Transition to adulthood

4. Letting go - What does detachment mean for parents?

4.2. Deliver support / find other supporters

„Everybody says I should let go, but nobody knows what my child really needs”.

This was said by a mother in a conversation about transition from parental care into residential living. It needs a lot of strength to let the child go anyhow.

Video: "How important are caretakers for me."

Every child is unique having an individual personality, their own wishes and different temperament. People with disability have limited abilities depending on the degree and level of their development.

Due to different kinds of disabilities and syndromes, special needs special provisions are necessary. A child with autism needs different support from a child with Down’s Syndrome. Whereas the autistic child can hardy maintain contact, young people with Trisomy have to learn, that it is not acceptable to fling your arm around everybody’s neck.[13]

Depending on the need of support, it can be reasonable to transfer certain fields of responsibilities to external support – nothing has to be permanent. The understanding of support can cover a wide range – from a simple expert tip to long-term social-emotional care.

Professional supporters cannot only help with self-development, development of independence and life planning, but they can also be a companion during rebuilding the parent-child-relationship.

For the splitting with or even fully transferring responsibility to external support there may be interim steps on the way to detachment. One possibility e. g. for a child with a high degree of disability may be to temporarily deliver the care at home to an external supporter, like a professional care service. First of all, this can be a discharge to have time for other necessary tasks and then as extension for free-time for yourself. This is linked to insecurity. Some processes may change, but it is a chance for the child too, to receive further learning impulses.

Another possibility is getting to know future supporters before giving up responsibilities. Confidence building requires time. It is important to give the necessary time both to yourself and others.

The active participation of the young adults with disability during the planning of their future living situation would be desirable. If the level of development allows it, they should be free to choose which living form, with which group members – and if possible –which assistants they want to live with in the future.

Such decision-making processes can only be successful if PWID have experienced an adequate right to co-management in earlier life phases.[14]

Psychologist Dr. Rüdiger Retzlaff said, „letting go is easier, if you receive something.“[15] If delivery of responsibilities to supporters is seen from this point of view, it is a relief for the parents and a chance for the child.

What may help you:

• Seek support among family, friends and professional organizations early enough.
  
• Take time to build up the necessary confidence.
  
• Take small steps in order to not overcharge yourself and your child.
  
• Take a look at the Checklist for vocational preparation.