Transition to adulthood

4. Letting go - What does detachment mean for parents?

4.1. Modifications within the family system – reset of parental role

empty nest

^{Photo: Pixabay}

"How can I fulfil my role as parent of a now adult child?" "What does the move-out mean for the rest of the family?"

Transition into adulthood and your child moving out mean an enormous change for parents.

„It would be ideal if both parties (parents and youngsters) had enough time to develop gently into different directions until all dependencies are loosened and contacts take place on absolute voluntary basis. This ideal detachment process is nevertheless very rare in reality, most of the time it is a period of heavy emotional distress“.[6]

Unfortunately, the right time seems to be very seldom. Either exterior living conditions such as a visit to a certain care centre or internal problems contribute to a too fast detachment, and parents have little time to adjust to this new situation, or children stay longer, some even lifelong in their parents’ house.

According to developmental psychologist Bronfenbrenner, if leaving is pending, this is understood as an "ecological transition" because "a person changes their position (in the ecologically understood environment) by changing their role, area of life, or both." [7] This always leads to a role change.

The reason for a possible crisis is that "children with disabilities are often central to their parent's life." 8] For years, everything was centred around one, and this role of the child also helps families to stabilize. [9]

When the child leaves home, it is particularly difficult for women to make the transition from active to passive motherhood, says Bettina Teubert, family therapist. The mothers feel superfluous and dispensable, and could suffer from an empty nest syndrome. A self-help group that makes it easier for mothers to transition and start working can help. " Empty nest is not a disease, but the consequence of normal life course with positive and negative aspects, but nevertheless the persons concerned often speak about „depression" and „grief work".[10]

When the child has left the parental domicile, it also may be that problems having been covered before appearing in their full harshness. For example, it may turn out that parents’ partnership is only through the child and their relationship has cooled down. Sometimes the father becoming is suddenly jealous of the adolescent and their freedoms mourns his own youth. And last but not least young people themselves find it completely unfamiliar to act on their own responsibility and decide, and they still have to learn it properly.[11]

If parents push the move-out due to external factors or as they seek a residential home for their adult child, they have to justify e. g. towards an administrative office that detachment is rather accelerated. “Springing into action for the detachment of a child has to provoke ambivalent feelings“.[12] „You have thrown your child out of the nest!“ If these feelings are not consciously treated this can lead to a problem. Discomfort with the situation can be transferred to the institution. “They do everything wrong.” (Uphoff 2018)

When parents and family members actively participate in this process, exchange ideas and learn to reorient themselves with increasing replacement, this phase can be well mastered.

If your adult child wants to live and stay with you for as long as possible, or if parents retain primary responsibility for them, redefining your own role and giving responsibility will also be important in order to reach a new equilibrium.

The following points can help in reshaping family structure and realigning roles:

Active sharing in the family, developing common strategies, dealing openly with feelings and needs.
Reflection of your own role, perspectives, needs, options for action.
Discover your partner again, give space for the interests of other family members; siblings often put their needs behind them "automatically" for years.
Exchange with other parents
Enjoy common time with your partner and time for two.
Let mourning happen. It is a normal symptom of change. Seek professional help if insomnia and other signs of depression are added.
Stable social environment, good friends and family facilitate replacement.
Finding new and old interests (again).
Time for new projects.
See also this checklist: Concrete Steps in the Separation Process for Parents

Unfortunately, we cannot deal with the situation of siblings the same way. However, due to the importance of the topic, we would like to point out that this particular relationship and its implications for siblings are being described in specialist literature more and more.

There is more spare time for new projects, hobbies or a good book.