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Sexual Health

3. Cooperation

3.2. Cooperation between children and parents

Hands shaped like a heart

Photo: S. Kühle- Hansen


Parents should aim to create a friendly sexual setting for their children in general and especially for children with ID at home. Parents themselves often have to be trained to talk about sexuality in a relaxing way, as a subject among other subjects. Most parents will meet sexual questions and challenges by their children/ adolescents in certain periods of their lives. Most people have sexual health issues, which is a fact we have to accept, and that can make us less afraid to talk about it.

Persons with ID are not expected to be passive recipients of services and others’ instructions. They are experts of their own lives. Involvement in other people’s lives means focusing on individual needs and wishes. PWID need to experience influence and control over their own lives. This includes respect for an individual’s sexual life and gender. The most important aspect in the cooperation between the individual, parents and health professionals is good and conductive communication. 

Individuals with ID need to get an opportunity to develop their own resources in relation to, and in dialogue with others. Dialogue can be a useful tool in creating the best possible cooperation between children and parents. Full inclusion in every decision and discussion may be time-consuming and challenging for everybody, but it is very important. 

Some parents find out that children and adolescents have huge sexual drifts that also can cause troubles for the family in general. Thus, it is necessary to tackle in close collaboration with your own children, but professionals may also be helpful. 

Parents (and service providers) should accept that their children/client have a diversity of feelings and sexual behaviour (3). Most people develop sexuality by themselves (alone), while others develop cohabitation or sexuality together with others. Individuals with ID have, like everyone else, a right to freedom and self-determination. It requires facilitation, training, and support to teach PWID to make personal choices (4).


 

Photo: W. Fjeld


It is a human right to express your opinion and be able to have an influence on issues about yourself, such as incidents that affect your self-image, gender role, and sexuality. Inclusion gives us a feeling of being able to make informed choices and strengthen our competence. Look at the module Human rights. 

Individuals with ID have the right to influence their own lives. They can and shall participate in making decisions in their everyday life. Parent need to engage their children and train them to make their own choices. For some PWID, this may start with simple choices between different drinks, food, toys, etc. Other PWID may make more complex choices e.g. to spend time with family, friends or a girl/boyfriend.

Not every person with ID is able to ‘control and anticipate’ consequences of their own choices and behaviour, - or determine if their behaviour is acceptable or not (1). However, they show what they want through their behaviour and actions. Your child may show sexual behaviour by rubbing themselves against furniture or doorframes, or pressing themselves to the floor while doing rotating movements with their abdomen. Such behaviour is usually sexually stimulating. They stimulate abdomen, penis/clitoris and the surrounding areas. When you recognise this action as a sexual behaviour, you should guide your child to perform the stimulation in an appropriate/private environment. Most parents do not want their children to perform such acts in the living room, kitchen or during visits to other people. However, most of us may accept this behaviour when the child is in their own bedroom or in another suitable space. 

If you, as a parent, want your child to do such an act in their own bedroom (not in the living room or kitchen), you may calmly show a picture of the bedroom every time you see them lay down on the floor or rub against furniture, and say: Go to your room. You may lead them calmly to the room, let them sit or lay down on the bed or on the floor. When you see the child is okay, you may calmly leave the room. Let them stay in the room a bit on their own.

If it is difficult to guide your child to go to the bedroom, you may try to purchase a vibrator (triangular, long, or other), or a vibrating ball you put in the bedroom or in the drawer beside the bed. When the child starts to stimulate themselves in the living room, take the vibrator and put it on the bed or on the floor at the bedroom. Go to the bedroom and lead them to pick up the vibrator while you are holding the elbow. Let them feel the vibration towards the body or abdomen (while you hold their elbow). Avoid contact between yourself and the vibrator, and your bodies, except your hand on the elbow. If the child presses the vibrator to the body or abdomen, you leave the room quietly. Let them alone for 15-20 minutes, until they finish. Go back to the bedroom and put away the vibrator in its fixed place.

Never let the vibrator be used in the living room, kitchen etc., only let them be used it in the bedroom. You should allow the vibrator only in rooms you have decided on. On vacations, a vibrating object/ vibrator may be in the luggage and used at appropriate time and space.

ACTIVITIES: 

  • How would you defend that everyone, including PWID, should be allowed to express ‘their way of doing sex', - in an appropriate setting?
  • If you discover that your child or another adult is rubbing their abdomen against the floor, furniture or other things, do you recognise this as sexual stimulation? How will you behave and why? Do you believe that they will continue with it even if you try to stop them?
  • Discuss with your child how you can build openness and trust to enable good conversations about sexuality?
  • Find out what your child knows about important sexual issues.
  • Find out if your child would like to discuss it with a professional what works with sexuality.
  • Look at this link http://www.worldsexology.org/resources/declaration-of-sexual-rights/ and find out what is your responsibility, what is professionals’ responsibility and what is your child’s/sibling’s responsibility.