Transition to adulthood

3. Supporting my child

3.1. On the Road to Identity

^{Photo: Pixabay.com}

This Chapter will give you suggestions and ideas on how to help your child find their own identity. The following points which will be especially considered:

Noticing behavioural differences as detachment symptoms (3.1.1.)
Being part of a peer group (3.1.2.)
Let them experiment (3.1.3.)

3.1.1. Noticing of behavior differences as part of detachment symptoms

As a reminder: First of all, parents must realize, that their child is beginning to take over, which is not always so easy for PWIDs, as they often develop in a diverging way, see also Chapter 2.3.1.

A pubescent with ID may not have reached the same level of development in all areas of personality:

"So, the caregiver often faces an adolescent, who strives for his detachment, fights for his freedom and behaves like a tyrant, but in the next moment expresses symbiotic needs, seeks bodily contact, cuddles and suffers from severe separation anxiety. It is important to take all levels of development seriously, each at the moment when it determines behaviour. This requires the ability to constantly change the contact level: If the symbiotic wishes prevail, they should be considered, if the young person rises to a higher level of development, he should be met there. This is the best way for him to develop his personality as a whole." [2]

It can be helpful in this context to focus your attention on significant physical changes in the child.

The changes in the process of growing up start at the physical level, signs of which are, for example, first menstruation or a voice rupture. These "signs" are points of reference and orientation, that indicate a new phase of development and entail necessary changes in the parent-child relationship.

How you can support them at this stage:

Make your child aware of the change and help them to classify it

Use these signs and landmarks as an occasion for a ritual or gift. For example, buy a gift that represents the new stage of life or issue a certificate for growing up and thereby make the change clear

Show your child how proud you are of their development

Physical changes are followed by changes in behaviour.

As described in chapter 2.3.3., they appear in various ways and are often difficult to recognise as symptoms of detachment. [3] One expert rightly notes that people with a mental disability often receive little feedback on their social behaviour. Regulatory actions are taken or peculiarities are tolerated. This allows them to develop little self-regulation as they face little demand. There are therefore no disputes in which the young people have a chance to make a difference themselves.

How you can support them at this stage:

In case of doubt, take up conflicts as conflicts about detachment, independence and talk to your child about it

Give new freedom to the will of the young person in conflicts. Let it be enforced for once - even with possible negative consequences.

Accept and support the desire for privacy - e.g. a closed room door.

Do not use your child's level of cognitive development as a measure of detachment.

Be aware of your child's lack of intellectual resources to process these things (processes). Support it by talking to him about these things and giving him emotional support.

The art is to give free space as parents or educators without withdrawing emotionally.

3.1.2. Being a part of a peer group, have intimate relationships.

As described in chapters 2.2. and 2.3.4., relationships and experiences with the peer group are important resources / factors for personality development in adolescence. It is associated with special hurdles for PWIDs.

How you can support them at this stage:

Support contact with peer groups (peers), even outside school and the workplace.

Let your child plan activities with friends and support them in executing these plans - even if they do not meet your expectations.

Accept the behaviour in the group, even if you do not like it.

Do not over-value changing friendships and enmities.

Try to organise necessary company by other people in connection with the peer group.

Educate your child. Enable peer experience in unguarded, protected rooms. Allow e.g. the young people to withdraw to their room.

Sexual development is a particularly sensitive issue and a dilemma for many parents, as they want to enable their child to have experiences, but also want to protect them from abuse. However, sexual experiences in the peer group are important for the sexual development of children. Only forward-looking steps will help here.

Experts guess: Education and experience in relationships with peers protect against abuse. [4]

For further information, please refer to the Sexual Health module. e.g. see Chapter "Right to know your own body".

3.1.3. Being able to experiment

^{Foto: Pixabay.com}

"Why is experimenting important?"

Playful experimentation initiates learning processes and activates social skills. Decisions must be made in concrete situations. "How should I behave?" Responsibility must be taken for decisions. These processes challenge and promote the different parts of the personality.

At the same time, experimentation is associated with risks and caregivers face the question of what risks they expect for themselves and their children.

An expert goes so far as to saying: "Young adults with intellectual disabilities need to be consciously exposed to normal life risks, as these impose significant developmental impulses on identity and personality development."

However, risk often puts parents in a dilemma as dangers are quite real.

Nevertheless: "Experiences help to get a realistic view of yourself. This view helps to accept if you are not able to do something, which in turn is the prerequisite for any learning - otherwise, every non-ability is an offense!" [5]

How you can support them at this stage:

Enter into conflicts and offer a stable emotional basis. [6]

Conflicts have a developmental function as they are an element of negotiation processes between parents and young adults. [7]

Conflicts offer possibilities to gain distance, there is a confrontation with different points of view and arguments. [8]

A fight for rules can be a separation conflict. Parents have more "power" e. g. to insist on rules. It would be important that their rebellion is sometimes successful. [9]

Let your child take risks, e.g. smoking, going to the disco, travelling on their own, dealing with pocket money or going out with a friend with whom they can feel separated. [10]

"Why are unobserved rooms so important?"

The experience of people with intellectual disabilities is also limited by the fact that they are much more often under supervision in general. There are hardly any unobserved rooms.

"Little is possible without the consent of the parents."[11]

In the area of individual friendships and love relationships, it is also often the parents who (together with other parents) make appointments and organize driving services.

If the young person is allowed to have activities and experiences without parents, it can be assumed that a separation from parents will be more successful and positive.

It means that children who are granted situations without direct control they can experience their strengths and weaknesses independently in tend to develop a sense of identity and autonomy. [12]

"Why are external supporters important?"

Professional supporters have the opportunity to give young people an autonomous experience, e.g. to meet friends without parents, to go to the cinema or simply to exchange ideas. At the same time, parents and families are relieved by the thought of company. [13]

If escort is necessary: there is a difference between the mother or father accompanying couple in love on a visit to the cinema of a or for example an employee of a leisure program doing so. It also makes a difference, when a group of young people with professional company go to a disco at the usual times (after 23:00).

You can learn more about external supporters from Chapter 4.